This one is a TBT. Recently discussing what happened to the 2012 END OF THE WORLD predictions. I testified to a friend that indeed I was an adamant proponent of this scenario and applied its arrival vigorously to my own life. Consequences of which still have resounding impact. But after self administering a radical treatment of my own construction, I was no longer plagued by my actions.
Here is an email correspondence excerpt that illustrates the technique from that time.
Firstly - happy birthday <name expunged for legal purposes> - this notion, although obligatory seems to most easily relay the customary celebratory lauding.
Secondly, the events of this - the foul year of our lord 2012, have left us all grasping for whatever will cleanse the palate and rid us of the lingering aftertaste of the immense shit sandwich of which we all seem to be consuming these past months. Forever and endless, these damn sandwiches. There is also, the disheartening notion that the ancient pant-less savages may have misplaced a decimal point, spline curve vector, or small ball of dung in their computations and have thus relegated us NOT to enjoy the coming apocalypse as envisioned. Instead we are to continue this harrowing existence without the comfort of those predicted events.
This is of particular concern to me, as by behavior in the past few months had been buttressed by the FIRM belief that those astrologically inclined godless heathens were accurate in their dismal forecast. As the days of this year continue to ebb, my fears that the end times or the time of perceived inconsequential questionable behaviors/actions (as i have been to referring to it) - seems to be dissolving before my eyes. There are a few factors that warrant my anxiety; The credit cards with the 57% interest rate which I scoffed off when the teller at the bank looked at me with concern (now maxed out). The more than several, large, self indulgent and useless purchases with aforementioned credit loans: Lavish parties hosted in random venues (pop up luau at ez storage containers #12-20), mini-bike polo sets, boxes of ultra rare super premium cigars (most of which I smoked, the rest were handed out to homeless people in a drunken fit of generosity), a dozen gold plated Microsoft ZUNE players, etc.
There is also my adoption of the philosophy of Cold Truthisms, in which I fervently address my opinions of disdain regardless of the most basic of social conventions. Finally the regrettable manner in which i calculatedly re-kindled past loves, only to crush them with a wicked spiteful vengeance. The last will be very challenging to un-fuckify.
Despite this situation we (mostly me) find ourselves in; I have...in a moment of inspired ingenuity (humbly of course...i know how self adulation is frowned upon in certain circles) invented a method of recapturing the mental state of previous, non-debilitating years. This of course I will impart to you as a gift...the best gift I can think of (which fits the current tax bracket I find myself)
Gilosan Watanabes' Retro brain pattern mind conflagration with restorative properties or
Explosive Mind Reboot w/ temporary paralysis and or blindness
Treatment: Used to treat emotionally crippling guilt and or remorse.
Side Effects: Can and may include Temporary/permanent blindness, loss of all motor skills, loss of all communication skills, infertility - oh and death.
Ignore the temporary/permanent side effects, odds of contracting these are <29.879% (good odds In my book), keep in mind that this is a heavily invasive procedure, here we go;
You will need:
Several large bandages(antibacterial infused)
#12 butterfly clamp
Fully illustrated field manual on trepanation
#5 serving disher aka ice cream scoop - sterilized
16fluid .oz of Hydrazine
(if not readily available use this simple formula to manufacture your own)
P.s. urea can be used in place of ammonia...I prefer this method
Strike anywhere matches(several)
Gather all equipment
Spend several minutes to a full hour visually inspecting and fully appreciate the sinister appearance of the aforementioned equipment
WARNING: Before you begin, consult a proper physician for good measure speak with a psychiatrist as well (This was left out in my first attempt and I feel it probably shouldn't have) oh, and notify next of kin.
Sample next of kin notification dialogue
You: Hello Ma? I gotta go to Walmart for a bit....yeah, nothing much...just some stuff. I'll be back soon...hopefully.
NoK: Ok dear, wait...what was that last thing you said?
You: Nothing, I gotta go before they close, I always loved you.
You: .....What? <click>
Next, mesmerize yourself using the Johannes Schultz method of Autogenic training, do not use Émile Coué technique of "conscious autosuggestion" as it does not favor a step-by-step progression that begins from physiological conditioning, such as muscle and nerve relaxation, breathing control and heart rate control. Believe me when I say the latter does not sufficiently prepare you for the upcoming task.
Next...firmly grasp the bone saw and begin to separate the Epicranial aponeurosis from the pericranium. This may prove difficult at first...be patient here as smooth confident strokes with the saw will provide you with ample amounts of adrenaline and nervous fear, which should diminish the noise from your pain receptors-after a while.
Once a complete revolution with the utensil, the dermal layers can be peeled back to reveal the exposed cranial structure. One more revolution at at 2mm depth will result in a satisfying and very audible popping noise.
You are halfway there (if any brain matter happens to escape, save in an airtight container for later re-insertion).
Nausea is common at this point, after you finish vomiting, continue until the skullcap is removed.
Next, take your sterilized #6 serving disher and remove 5 1/3oz of brain matter in the frontal cortex. This process should be relatively pain free as there are no pain receptors in this area...if your right extremities begin to thrash about you have removed too much....replace and begin again.
Now discard matter in disher and fill cavity with a generous amount of hydrazine.
The next step may require assistance if your motor function have been impaired. Use matches and ignite fluid in cavity.
Once the flame had both subsided and cauterized the affected area, wait until extinguished and replace skull cap and suture surrounding dermis.
Apply copious amounts of bacitracin and wait several hours before attempting to form cohesive thoughts.
The procedure is now complete, wait several months/years for restorative effects to manifest themselves.
Sit back and wait for the praise and adulation of the glowing angel-like apparitions that will now follow you everywhere from this point onwards.
<End of email correspondence>
This of course was not the final email I had delivered to them. I was mesmerized by the internet, scotch and various other forces and the final draft was decidedly more gruesome. My point was that the technique has helped me move past my behavioral ramifications of that period. Perhaps I will return to this post to finish my thoughts or expand on the experience of the brain pattern mind conflagration or send it to the patent office. Firstly, I must find that zip-lock container housing the conclusion of this post - I just can't seem to remember where i placed it.