Frankenstein’s Army 2013
Directed by: Some Git
Find: Found this crap on the Netflix
This post has nothing to do with anything but I wanted to share, so...enjoy!
Ok, this little gem of cinematic wonderment had been lingering in my queue for quite some time now. Decided to finally pull the trigger and post my “feelings” about it on this page:)
Heres the elevator pitch: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elevator_pitch
Wolfenstein (Video Game) > Saving Private Ryan/Enemy at the Gates > Marilyn Manson Early Music Video > Saw (any after 2) > Blair Witch style cinematography
I liked this movie but what is odd is that this dreck has all the elements that should have made me enjoy it more.
Glimpse of WW2 infantry squad relations from the Russian front. Honestly western cinema dominates with views of soldier interactions in regards to the American theatre, which statistically speaking was only a small part in the overall campaign against the Axis.The Brits and Russians were in it far longer than the GI’s – pacific theatre aside. Unless you are willing to suffer through subtitled Russian front films or long winded British films of the 50’s (I don’t wish that upon you…ever) then you only get the viewpoint of the American solider.
Case in point, the Ghurka soldiers involvement in WW2 during the mostly british CBI (China Burma India) campaigns. Read 'Davis" by (damn I can't remember the author right now, oh yeah John Scanlan) for a good view of the CHINDITS, Vinegar Joe and WW2 jungle combat. More of that please and less of insipid rom-coms trying to make me think Jennifer Aniston is still desirable, you dumb ass hollywood tardos!
Ah, the eternal bad buys.I can watch these momo's all day like I’d watch a reality show about Star Wars stormtroopers…all day. I know people are people but you put them in bad guy outfits and bingo suddenly they become more entertaining. Nazi’s surfing(already a movie has been made about this…go talk to the Trauma Bros.), dancing, playing pool, eating breakfast…interest piqued at the very least.
I mean you could have put the prefix Clowns in those scenarios instead, but you see…mildly funny but not as gripping.
RED DWARF:LISTER:Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me? I'm in a state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped. Shut the smeg up.
Put some monsters, ghouls, nazi, corpses - nazi corpses? or scantily clad vixens...then BAM...you have my interest by the short and curlies.
Steampunked bio morphed reanimated nazi corpses.Everything about the previous sentence is like looking at into box of gourmet doughnuts.
Frankenstein- well its Frankenstein, so…yeah.
Tons of Gore.Ever since Bad Taste (Peter Jackson–1987, only to be outdone by his followup 'Meet the Feebles'*), gore has been crucial to my bad movie watching criteria.Like alcohol is a social lubricant, gore is its movie equivalent (for me…maybe not you). Obviously you can go overboard, but sometimes that can be hilarious fun and shamefully regrettable - either way in regards to movie watching…gore or its equally appealing counterpart sex (watch Piranha 3d - seriously go watch that shit)…needs to be present.
I mean from that list alone, if you have the same tastes I do(I feel sorry for you dearly if you do) then you should be wetting your pants with gleeful anticipation.
What you get is poorly acted. To be honest - this never really factors into my judgement for a entertainment experience - and sometimes really poor acting can bolster an otherwise mediocre movie, i.e. Iron Sky (review TK). That said, in this case bad acting derails the squad interactions. Most of which were actually coming along pretty well and you got the sense of a solid unit that had seen several skirmishes together. Until quarter way through, then it became a jumbled mess of who cares about what character development is about anyway.
The creatures were/are the stars of this mess. Sadly never fully realized in front of the camera, maybe this was the directors choice - if they really did get some spotlight time, you’d see how poorly they were constructed.
Granted they looked like sketches from a 2nd year concept artist portfolio come to life but I could have sworn that was the point, we should have seen more up close time of these things.
I still think they could have interacted with the characters more, what winds up happening is the squad is chased comically by these things reminiscent of a NJ halloween scare factory - there’s one in Bellevile, NJ (The Scare Factory); October if you are interested.(see you there)
Here were a few that I felt deserved more face time:
Propellerhead guy: I mean he’s half goddamn airplane. I think theres even several manga series about this alone.
Drillbit face/ Black Nazi trench coat dude on stilts: This is what made me think of early Marilyn Manson videos. Like a nightmare circus performer had sex with a Tim Burton claymation in SS gear.
Giant Surgical scissor hand: This guy looks like he was directly ripped outta some concept artist sketchbook -2nd year (that's being generous), think I mentioned this.
Giant metal lobster hands: C’mon whats not to like here, Godzilla fought a 50ft version of this dude at some point.
Sexy nurse/ Bride of Frankenstien chick: honestly she was in it like 10sec - and you know you wanted to see more of her! (I definitely did) 2 words, fetish nightmare.
Ok so anyway, here’s the take away:
If your bored, drunk, stoned or on some form of hallucinogenic compound.This movie is worth the 15min it takes your inebriated mind state to wrestle it on your device of choice.
It is rife with foam latex madness and gore. It contains a promising storyline delivered through ham-fisted writing and slipshod direction which will wreak all sorts of wonderment onto your hapless retina.
Gore. Poor acting. Violence. Rinse - repeat.
There are better bad movies (I know…oxymoron)out there but this should hold you until I find some other piece of garbage to extoll.
Sure, if you don’t watch it your life will probably be better off, but chances are – if you have read this far…your Friday nights hold little regard for substantial cinema veriate…so, AVANTE!
*Meet the Feebles - this damn shit is probably something Salvador Dali would have painted if he saw Sesame Street.